Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Changes

(Charlie 4 1/2 months. Photo by Cindy Penner)












So, after my first post I thought, "well, there must be smoke or something in my eye." I was folding clothes in the bedroom and Charlie was laying in her crib, (which we use for amusement purposes only) staring at her mobile, when I just stopped what I was doing and stared at her gorgeous smiling face and became overwhelmed with sadness and anger, and started bawling my eyes out. Matt came into the bedroom and gave me a hug and the tears were cut short when Charlie looked up at us, happy as could be, making her pterodactyl noises. When the same thing happened the next day after writing my blog post, I wondered if this blog thing was a bad idea...how can something that makes me cry after doing it, be any good for me?


Up until recently, besides the first week after finding out that Charlie had SMA, I have barely cried. And honestly, I would sometimes feel guilty about it. I've been out with friends talking matter of fact about the situation, when all of a sudden, they would just start crying ...and I wasn't...I'm LIVING it, and I'm not crying, I'd think....what's wrong with me? Did I lose my heart somewhere along the way? But, I think in these situations, your body just goes into auto pilot and takes care of you. Charlie is still here, I will have plenty of time to feel horrible...later.
I've been told, "you're handling this really well." And honestly, I agree. I'm shocked at how well I'm dealing with everything, but at the same time, I don't really see any alternative. I have been told that I have a very short time to spend with the love of my life...I'm not wasting one second of it!


I think it's been a little "extra" difficult this week because twice this week we've had Fed Ex show up, a little unexpectedly, with packages of supplies for Charlie. Up until this point Charlie has been feeding well, but when we get home from Hawaii she has surgery booked to put her feeding tube in. Scary. And when I opened the boxes it was all I.V. bags and large syringes , and some weird machine. Maybe that's another reason I don't cry that often...because this is as good as it's going to get, I might as well be enjoying my time while its machine, syringe, I.V. and breathing apparatus free. We feel very fortunate to be able to go on our first vacation with Charlie without a feeding tube or any other contraptions. We just want this vacation and it's memories to be as "normal" as possible.


Before finding out what was going on with Charlie, I was home alone (with Charlie) snuggled up on the couch while Matt was at work, and decided to watch, "My Sister's Keeper" about a little girl dying of cancer, BIG mistake! I was BAWLING my eyes out, texting Matt, saying, "OMG, nothing better ever happen to Charlie, I couldn't handle it!" He was texting back, "Oh Cher, don't think about those things!" And what's crazy is that I didn't respond to the real thing the way I thought I would. I had actually "planned" on feeling worse if I was ever in that situation, than I actually feel and I AM in that situation. Weird. You really can't plan for these types of situations, you never know how you'll react and what you'll pull out of you...that's what I've learned, so far.
Even though writing this blog brings out emotions, I think it's really cathartic for me...and Matt. He reads the posts and we talk about it after and we support each other if we get upset or emotional about it. Actually, the crying has relieved me of the guilt I was feeling about not crying enough. And sometimes a good cry just makes me feel so much better.



3 comments:

  1. WELL I WATCHED THIS PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL BEEN BORN,AND IT WAS SUCH A JOY FOR ME AS THIS WAS MY FIRST GRAND DAUGHTER...I WAS SURPRISED WHEN CHERIE TOLD ME ABOUT WHAT CHARLIE HAD,I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH IT AND CHERIE TOLD ME,MOM DEAL WITH IT AS I HAVE TO....AS TIME WENT BY I COULD NOT BELEIVE HOW TOUGH THIS DAUGHTER OF MINE(CHERIE) IS,AS I DON'T KNOW AS A GRANDMA HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS..I GIVE THIS GIRL AND HER HUSBAND ALL THE CREDIT IN THE WORLD FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING,AS THEY ARE TAKING THIS AT ONE DAY AT A TIME AND STILL WITH HOPES AND SMILES....LOVE YOU CHERIE AND MATT AND CHARLIE

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