Monday, April 5, 2010

Bubble girl.

(Charlie, 9 1/2 months)












I have only left the house without Charlie a handful of times since she's been born, so when I do I have a nagging feeling that I've forgotten something the whole time I'm out. I can even stroll Charlie out my front door, down two elevators to my underground parking lot, snap her into her car seat, close the door, put the stroller in the trunk, get myself buckled in, start the car and drive away, and still manage to have a flash of fear jolt through my body and be thinking, "Where's Charlie?!!" In 9 1/2 months I have not left the house once without that scenario happening at least once on my travels. The obsessive compulsive in me ALWAYS sends my elbow back towards the car seat to do a quick lift of it just to make sure it's snapped into its base, this ritual nicely compliments the quick head pat I must also do just to make sure she's actually in it, and, on longer car rides I also feel her stomach at red lights to check her breathing, which in turn helps my breathing. Ahhh. So yeah, you can probably see why I prefer a third party in the car.


My whole point is that I lived 32 years before Charlie and never felt the responsibility towards anyone or anything that I do to her. I trained my whole life for this. She gives everything more meaning and me more purpose. And I just have no idea how I'm supposed to go backwards...giving back my meaning and purpose. I mean, my elbow is always going to reach for the car seat in the back, my hand for her head, and my heart is still going to stop for a second when I wonder where she is. Just when I have gotten confident in living my life for her, she'll be taken away from me. I can't help but obsess over those thoughts. I will forever be reminded of Charlie.


I realize that I should focus on the fact that she's here now and save the mourning for later. But I can't. I can't help but look at her and want to just protect her and save her and miss her. And I think it's because I know her illness is terminal, there isn't a chance she'll make a full (even partial) recovery...it's like pulling the band-aide off slowly. I'm afraid to lie to myself or enjoy the moment because I'm afraid of how I'll react to her passing if I haven't fully prepared myself...even though I have no idea how to do so.


I'm kind of in the frame of mind lately that I want as many people as possible to meet and spend time with Charlie, she's an extraordinary girl and I want to share her with everyone. If I didn't have to overly protect her from germs I would set up a cuddle booth on Robson Street for everyone to come and enjoy her, she's that amazing. Although it's never been my personality to be laid back or easy going, I never imagined myself being this kind of parent either, worrying incessantly about germs and avoiding other children because they're "little germ carriers". I imagined I'd set Charlie free at the kids birthday parties so she could share toys and saliva with the rest of them, but that just can't happen.


Charlie's surgery is in four days. Matt and I are really nervous about it. But she seems to be doing really well lately so we're hoping she comes out of it unscathed. If anyone is reading this, please send your positive thoughts her way. Thank-you.

12 comments:

  1. MY HEART AND LOVE ARE WITH YOU AND CHARLIE....AS YOUR MOMMY CHERIE I AM SORRY I CAN'T FIX THIS FOR YOU LIKE I DID WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL....ALL I CAN DO IS TO BE HERE FOR YOU AND MATT AND CHARLIE....

    MOMMY

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  2. You are so adorable!!! I have lots of positive thoughts headed your way. Your mommy and daddy are amazing people and you are as well.

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  3. your words are amazing cherie.. you have a gift. you will be in our minds and heart on friday. squeeze charlie toes and tell her she has a cheering squad out in the sticks xoxox and even more xoxo

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  4. i'm always reading and always sending positive thoughts your way!
    i only wish i had a way with words like you so i could say all the things i'd like to. i've wanted to comment on every one of your posts but the thoughts and feelings i have just don't come out the way i want them to.
    perhaps i'll do better in-person, at brunch :)
    xo

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  5. Sending Charlie rainbows and rays of light for Friday, she'll do grand especially with such a wonderful mama to give her strength and love. xoxo Meg and Camden

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  6. Charlie is special. She will come through Friday's surgery with flying colours. She has been doing better than expected ever since her diagnosis, and she will continue to do so. We love her so much. We are sending all of our strength out to your family. As soon as we are all healthy we will be right there with you. Lots of love.

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  7. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts to you and your family. xoxoxoxo

    Melissa

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  8. Cherie and Charlie our thoughts are with you.

    Mel

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  9. My heart aches for you! I feel such over whelming emotion when I read your blog. You have an amazing gift for writing and with such strength and wisdom. My heart and prayers are with you, Charlie and Matt for Friday. Although I have never met Charlie from the first photos you posted of her I felt she was one of the most beautiful darlings I have ever seen. Special girls you are indeed!
    <3 <3 <3
    Dawn

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  10. I wish the whole world could send a prayer at the same time for your beautiful little angel. She is always on my mind and a prayer comes from my heart every day for her and all who love her.

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  11. Sending prayers, positive thoughts and Angels to watch over Charlie. I may not comment every day but not a day goes by that I don't check in on Charlie. Cherie, you have such a gift of words, your loving & honest words never fail to bring tears to my eyes.

    Holding you all close in thought and prayer.

    Linda

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