Today is Charlie's 11 month birthday...my oh my has the time ever flown by, yet it's hard to remember life before her. Because of Charlie my priorities have changed so much, I'm more organized, my dream of the perfect life has been revised, and I can definitely appreciate the little things more than ever.
After deciding to try and have a baby and after the first attempt, Charlie was conceived October 4th 2008, we found out I was pregnant on October 18th, the day after Matt's 35th birthday. It's kind of a funny story because we went out the night before and drank quite a bit when I started to feel unusually sick and flu-ey...I had a friend of mine over who was looking forward to going to see a show at the Railway Club and I didn't want to disappoint her so I sucked it up and had a few more drinks till I felt better. Oddly enough, she was the one who got a little loopy and clumsy at the end of the night, and I was feeling much better, and took care of her. The next pregnancy indicator came the following morning when we went to Joe's Grill for breakfast and there was a family there with two kids...their son, about 3 years old, was being a total jerk, "NO, I DON'T WANT IT!" just screaming at the top of his lungs. Normally, not being the nurturing type, and being painfully hungover, I would have fantasized about taping his mouth shut and telling his parents not to bring the little brat in public if they hadn't taught him any manners yet, but instead, I thought, "Awwww, a little fighter, he's so cute!" Then I thought, "What the hell?! That is not supposed to be cute! You need a pregnancy test, Cherie!" When Matt and I decided to try to get pregnant, it was a fleeting thought, I took my decision back to do so immediately after the first time we intentionally tried and I decided it was a bad idea and told Matt to never ever give into my pregnancy illusions ever again. And then I thought, "Phew, close call! No one really gets pregnant the first time anyway." And so, that was that. So when I realized that I'd felt sick the night before and this jerky kid was looking pretty adorable to me, I told my friend Jocelyn that we should stop at Shopper's on the way home to buy a pregnancy test. We did, and when I got home I went into the bathroom, and because I was so dehydrated from the night before, barely mustered up a drop of pee, when the test instantly said positive. I choked. Matt was still sleeping when I ran into the bedroom laughing and crying at the same time. He was very hungover and only one of his very red eyes would open...and I could barely gather my thoughts to tell the scary red eyed cyclops we were having a baby. We both just stared at the ceiling watching our future flash before our eyes. It was the scariest and most exciting feeling I'd ever felt in my life.
Of all the things that flashed before our eyes, SMA was not one of them. I can be a very pessimistic person sometimes, but even I could never imagine something so unbelievably shitty. And I worried about a lot during my pregnancy! I worried I had high blood pressure and/or gestational diabetes, I started counselling because I feared post partum, and because I decided against the triple screen test, I took her ultrasound picture and went on the Internet comparing it to the ultrasound pictures of babies with Down Syndrome...thinking I was preparing myself for the worst. But nope, not even close.
Every month we have with Charlie is an absolute blessing. She's Gorgeous and smart and smiley and so unbelievably lovable. She's just so rare and precious. But, when I think too much about how wonderful she is I just want to kick something so hard. We are just so frustrated and angry that this is happening to her and us. I've read that losing or dealing with a very sick child can be devastating for a marriage, and I can totally understand why. Matt and I joke that we really need to work hard on surviving this with one another because we don't exactly think that were going to be the most desirable people on the market if we don't. I mean, who wouldn't want to get involved with someone who's lost a child and had their heart ripped out? We are really trying to make sure SMA doesn't take us down too.
Charlie, mom and dad love you. So much! You are so unbelievably special. Our little angel. Happy Birthday sweet cheeks! xo