(Charlie and mommy, 1st bday party. Photo by Cindy Penner)
I've had a BIG cry stuck in me for the past week. It's began to surface a few times, but for whatever reason, just won't come out. It sucks because whenever this happens, my sadness usually decides to come out another way, and it usually chooses anger. Anger at my husband, anger at my friends, anger at my family. And then not only am I 'blocked up' and feeling the toxic fuzzy haze in my head that my trapped tears bring, but I also feel shame and embarrassment from my angry actions toward my loved ones. So yeah, I need a good cry and I'm about ready to set aside some time and some sappy music to do so, just to get it over with and move on.
Charlie's party was amazing and absolutely perfect, but now, 3 days later, it feels a little anticlimactic. What now? Now what do we look forward to? It's that and the fact that upon reflection I've realized just how fast the past 6 months have actually gone, and once again, I'm afraid of time. I'm developing that anxiety inside of me again that tries to slow it down, tries to grab it by the throat and stop it from passing me by. But, as frustrating as it is, I'm smarter than my anxiety and I realize that time is beyond my control. Matt and I have discussed that we really need to plan little 'vacations' and outings with Charlie that allow us to take a break from thinking about her illness too much...when we have too much time (there is that word again!) on our hands, we tend to go a little nuts.
The day before Charlie was officially diagnosed my friend Christie brought us a plant to Charlie's hospital room. I still have it and I've developed a strange superstition regarding it...for some reason I MUST make sure it's watered and that it doesn't die. I once freaked out on Matt because it had gone too long between waterings and he didn't really understand what the big deal was. I explained to him, whispered to him actually, that this plant sort of mirrored Charlie's life to me. If I can keep it alive and healthy, than I can keep Charlie alive and healthy. It's crazy, I know, but I can't help it. That plant has been with us since the beginning, and was in the room with us when the blinds were drawn and the doctor sat us down to deliver the devastating news. It seems to thrive when Charlie thrives and it also seems to wilt when Charlie is having a rough day and seemingly 'wilting' herself. I also find it extremely difficult to delete photos. I take HUNDREDS a week on our camera and my iPhone, and of course, many are blurry or just generally awful pictures, but whenever I set it up to delete a few, I usually cant seem to hit the button. I'm worried I'll regret it someday when she's no longer with us...even if we have a million other pictures and videos of her. On the other hand, sometimes when I'm taking pictures or making videos of Charlie, I'll question whether it's the healthy thing to do as well...will i just end up torturing myself with them someday?
An uplifting post I know, but I gotta get it out. Nestled in between all of the negative thoughts and feelings are images of the most beautiful baby girl in the word. Little toes, sky blue eyes, triceratops lips, flaming red hair, tiny coos and giggles, grins from ear to ear, snuggles...luckily the in between is so much bigger than the negative.