Friday, August 6, 2010

Island Time.

(Charlie, 13 months old. Photo by Randal Kurt) http://www.randalkurt.com

















We met with Meralon and Randal this past Wednesday and they showed us our pictures...just beautiful! When they were showing us the slide show it took everything I had in me to contain my tears. Happy tears. We were just blown away. I really can't even begin to express the gratitude we have for the two strangers who found my blog and then reached out to us, giving us a gift we'll cherish forever...and two new supportive friends!
Here is the link to the slide show...
Thanks Randal and Meralon!

My parents came out to watch the Pride parade with me and my friends last week, they're not usually very spontaneous or wild, so having them here to celebrate with us meant a lot to me...especially because it was a last minute plan...usually they'd need a week or two of planning ahead before they came for a visit, especially in these circumstances, but they just went with the flow and ended up having an excellent time, and it turned out to be an amazing family day I'll never forget. It didn't come without some glitches though...at one point I was looking out at the crowded street and I noticed a little girl about 3 years old running around and having the time of her life. She had bright red hair, like Charlie's, and all I could think was, "That's my daughter...that's supposed to be my daughter." I became a little obsessed with watching her...I looked around for her mother...weirdly hoping she'd look like me. She didn't, she had her daughters same flaming red locks. My heart was racing and I kept saying to my mom, "It's Charlie, It's Charlie!" I pulled out my camera and got it ready to take a picture of her...the little girl that was supposed to be MY daughter, but as soon as I had it aimed and ready to go, I froze and said to my mom, "What am I doing?! I'm a creep, what am I trying to do, torture myself?!" My mom suggested I put the camera away, "Don't do that to yourself" she said. I didn't. I walked back into the pub where we were watching the parade from and convinced myself to drop it and have a good time. And I did for another couple of hours, until dinner when I started crying in the restaurant while trying to explain to my parents how awful this situation really is, "the worst thing ever, ever." And they comforted me, but what can they really say? Cause it is, and they know it. And no one can ever convince me otherwise.

Matt and I continue to be stressed out. And we take it out on each other. We're smart enough to know what we're doing and that its no good for us, but alas, we still can't help it. On a positive note though, whenever the nurse is here, which is 2 or 3 days a week we have been hopping on our bikes and riding 25-30k at a time. Which is seriously THE BEST stress reliever I've ever found! Matt has already lost 15 pounds! So yeah, we can almost always agree on that lately. There is also one other thing we have recently agreed on...we have some big plans in the works...last week we had met some friends at the beach in Tsawassen and when we were leaving I saw a VW Westfalia for sale...it got me thinking. I started scheming and planning and I said to Matt, "HEY! just listen, hear me out..." He looked suspicious and said, "Hmmm...yes?" I then explained that, "We need a van soon, right?" Still suspicious, he said, "Yup." probably thinking, "What do you want now, Cherie" I went on to explain that we should look into a camper van and head to the hot spots during the winter because then Charlie would be less likely to get sick...I also said that I was finding it so difficult to just be carrying on with our lives here. I love my family and friends, but I just can't really relate to them right now and I just really feel like we got a warning with Charlie that many people don't get before they lose a loved one...I can't help but wonder, "What the hell are we doing wasting the little time that we do have with her?!" After I finished my spiel Matt looked at me and said, "I think that's the best idea you've ever had!" And so...the planning commenced! We're just hoping we can work everything out and be gone mid October or early November. Such a GREAT thing to agree on if you ask me. I really don't want to picture another winter hiding out and bathing ourselves in sanitizer. I get morbidly depressed just thinking about it.

Charlie has been doing really well lately. She's been moving her arms a lot more and grasping objects...and she just BEAMS with pride whenever she does. She'd still rather be watching Sesame Street, but when we turn it off and force her to play, she can get into it. I think that even if she could crawl or walk, she'd still be a little laid back observer rather than running around and getting into things. I was like that when I was little...I just LOVED to sit around and talk and talk and talk and talk. I wasn't lazy, I was just an intellectual. Ha ha.

I'm headed to Salt Spring Island sans Charlie this Sunday-Wednesday. Matt's staying home with her and I'm going up with a few friends. I'm really nervous about being trapped on an island while missing Charlie, but at the same time, I think I really need this. I need to be just me for a few days so that I can come home and really appreciate what I have. I can get so caught up in all of the things I don't have, and all of the ways I've been ripped off, when really, I have a lot to be grateful for. Charlie is the best thing that's EVER happened to me, that's why this hurts so bad, because she's that good.




9 comments:

  1. i don't know where you are located (or if i did i don't remember, which happens A LOT these days), but you are always welcome to stop in Greensboro, NC on your way down south. :)

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  2. My mother just bought a 7 year old roadtrek fully camperized van with 50,000 miles on it for 19,000 dollars! Once you get a power chair, stroller, and other equipment I think a camper van isn't going to suit your needs. You have to think about getting around with charlie. We have a 15 passenger chevy express with a bruno lift, tie downs, inverter and of course doubles of all of shira's equipment in the van for our outings. A camper would be nice but i'd go bigger than a westfalia i'd go american and big!

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  3. Oh, I totally can see you three in a souped-up VW bus trekking across the country. What a great idea! I'll keep my eyes open for some cute curtains!
    Love you guys,
    T.

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  4. Love the slide show. You guys are so good looking ... even if you are about to become a bunch of vagabonds!

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  5. love the slideshow! woo hoo with the road trip planning. great idea

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  6. Cherie....the slideshow was awesome and I love Charlie's picture here! She's getting so big! What a doll she is. Her personality really shines through on her pictures. I love your camping idea as well. My grandparents had a camper when I was younger and I spent so many wonderful weekends and weeks with them camping all over. We had some great times and I know you all will too. I hope you have a wonderful time with your friends. I've never liked being away from my kids either. Guess it's a mom thing we never get over but it'll be great for you to have a change of pace. Let go and have a blast!!.............Kris

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  7. beautiful, beautiful pics. beautiful family.

    j

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  8. Beautiful idea, beautiful pictures. Thanks for sharing.

    Linda xoxoxox

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  9. I will keep your family in my prayers, but thought perhaps talking to another couple who have lost a child might be of some help. Their daughter dies from cancer, but by reading their blog you see alot of the same issues.
    http://laylagrace.org/465_miracles-happen-right.html
    hugs

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