Man, this blogging is getting harder and harder to do. When I first started this 6 months ago I had promised myself i'd write a new post at least twice a week, then as time went by, I revised my goal to once a week...now, it's just whenever I can muster up the emotional energy. I think it has a lot to do with my recent moods...kinda sad, mostly sad, a little sad, a lot sad... I NEED to write when I'm sad, but at the same time, I get so annoyed with myself when I can't appreciate what I DO have in Charlie and this situation...and then it leads me straight down guilts path. And lately, because I'm mostly sad, and I spend most of my time being sad, why do I wanna write about being sad when/if I get a little break from it? But usually, even though I procrastinate and it's difficult to get started, the sad thoughts seem to flow out of me like a roaring river in a hurry to get somewhere, which almost always leaves me temporarily drained of my sadness. And I like that part.
I had a great time on Salt Spring island. The first night my friend Libby and I stayed in a remote little cabin where we drank wine, played cards and danced. The following two nights our friends Ivan and Marco came and joined us in a condo by the beach that we had rented. I met Ivan and Libby years ago at a Greek restraunt I used to work at, and they've since become really close friends of mine. They have been really amazing to me and Matt regarding Charlie...Ivan comes over often and makes us authentic Mexican food and takes me out whenever I need to relax, and Libby has joined the Adventure Challenge triathlon with me and we have been spending a lot of time working out together and talking about things. She's 8 years younger than me and has no children, but you'd never know it by her mature, empathetic, sensitive and compassionate nature. In all honesty, I never would have thought that she'd be someone I could lean on in a situation like this, if only because of her age, but she has proven herself to be a very valuable asset in my life. I am grateful to Libby and Ivan and Marco for taking me away and showing me a great time!
This might sound awful but, when I was away I kind of made a deal with myself that I wasn't going to talk about Charlie and I wasn't going to worry about her...I was going to sort of treat this vacation as if I was childless. I know, harsh...but, the alternative would have been to drink wine and cry and have panic attacks which would ultimately have me begging my friends to drop me off at the ferry early so that I could rush home to worry some more. All I wanted was a 4 day break. And I took it, and it felt fantastic...at the time, but then you come home and it's back to reality...a reality that is most peoples worst nightmare.
Obviously there were a few times while I was away that I couldn't help but think about Charlie and how things just weren't fair...the one that sticks out the most is when, on the first morning there, Libby and I went to a little pub for lunch and I noticed a young-ish family there...2 kids, a boy about 4 and a girl about 2...the couple seemed to loathe each other and I watched as they glared at one another and mumbled what looked like evil spells directed at each other. Then, the woman grabbed a napkin and very aggressively wiped her sons face and hands, so roughly that I honestly thought he'd be bleeding after. The boy stood up and she angrily put his coat on, one arm at a time, yanking his arms and shoving each one in like she forgot that they were attached to her son and instead thought they were her husbands face that she was imagining ripping off. The little girl was standing around quietly by this time, looking cute and sweet, just watching her moms actions like this was completely normal behavior. Then the boy got in some passing patrons way, and the mom quietly mumbled to the boy, "get the fuck over here you little piece of shit" with the most insane look on her face. And the dad just sat there and stared into space. I stared right at her, and so did Libby when she noticed I was distracted, and so did the customers behind the woman. And when the woman noticed she was being glared at, she avoided eye contact with us and changed her attitude. I was shocked. And pissed off. Everything in me wanted to stand up and say, "Umm excuse me, I noticed you abusing your kids and taking them for granted...well, I'm just wondering why my baby is at home dying and I love her more than anything in this world and would NEVER hurt her, yet someone thought it would be a good idea to give YOU two perfect, beautiful children!"
I feel guilty for not saying something, but I think we were all just in shock...and scared of her!
When I got home Matt told me that he was so glad to have had the alone time with Charlie. he said it made him fall more in love with her. That made me feel good... knowing that it wasn't just me being selfish, but that it was a good thing all around. But, by the next day, Matt and I were arguing again. We are so stressed. And when we need to choose between working on/dealing with Charlie stress or marriage stress, Charlie stress always wins. And, there is just absolutely no way that we could manage both at once, so i'm just praying that kind soul who gave that evil woman two beautiful, healthy children, will give us a break too sometime. Cause we're tired. Really tired.
Matt's away on Hornby Island right now, so it's my turn to have some private time with Charlie. And so far, so good. Tonight we built a little fort on the floor and watched movies till she passed out, it was a lot of fun. I will say though, that when I'm alone with Charlie, I think too much. I worry and I feel really alone. I've noticed that I'm constantly trying to fill up my days and nights with company, because when I don't, it hurts more. But, at the same time, I still feel a little like an outcast when I'm with friends, Charlie's future/our future is on hold and very uncertain, with a guarantee of darkness. No one wears these shoes. I remember when I got pregnant/gave birth/became a mother I suddenly had more in common with the people who'd experienced childbirth and had children and I was suddenly 'one of them'. And now, I feel more left out then if everybody around me had three children each that they couldn't stop gushing about, and I had none but desperately wanted one. But, sitting here typing this while Char snores beside me, reminds me why it's all worth it. She's STILL here, so we still have a lot to be thankful for.