Well it's time...time for me to attempt to sum up the past 5 months in a single blog post. Actually, I think I'll call this 'Part 1' for now...otherwise I fear Blogger will stop me a quarter of the way through and say, 'You've exceeded your daily limit of babbling, we recommend you save and continue at a later date.' Haha.
Hmmm, where to start...
Matt and I are managing our separation as well as can be expected. There have been some rough days, but they seem to get fewer and further between as more time goes by. I would even go so far as to say that we are actually becoming better friends as of lately. It's really hard on both of us to be away from Charlie though but we've been pretty good at sharing our individual 'days' that we have with Charlie, with the other, so that helps a lot. It's such a panicky feeling to wake up in the middle of the night, used to repositioning and checking on Charlie, only to see that she's not there. This has made me cry on more than one occasion. Sometimes I'll wake up without her and my head goes to dark places and I think, "this is what it will feel like forever someday, this exact feeling" and then I get DESPERATE to see her and harass Matt to please let me come over and see her asap, and he always obliges. He understands because he feels the same and does the same with me.
This transition into single parentdom has been awkward to say the least. In the beginning, and still a little now, I felt like two different people. One of me is a newly single lady who is trying to keep busy and find a new social life and possibly date, the other (and obviously more important) is the mother of a terminally ill child. I was/am having a difficult time finding a balance between the two. Obviously being out/dating is a nice distraction from some pretty heavy stuff going on in my life, but I just feel so guilty when I'm happy or distracted. I've never been a single mom before, even to a 'regular' child, so I don't know the protocol, and I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to do it 'right' whatever that even means?! I guess what I'm trying to say is that I always want Charlie to be my number 1 and I feel conflicted/guilty when I feel happy being out with my friends. It's all just so foreign, but I guess I'll figure it out.
Charlie is cuter than ever! She is so musical! She hums/sings along in perfect tune to all of her favorite shows theme songs. It actually shocked me the first time I heard her sing "1-2-3-4, 1234 squaaare". I looked at Matt perplexed, "Ummm, did you just hear what I heard?!" He's like, "Oh yeah, she's been singing that for weeks" like it was no big thing. I've since noticed that she does that with all of her shows and a lot of my music as well, she knows when the chorus is coming! She's just a little parrot lately too, after we speak, she repeats. Of course it in her own special way, she can't really enunciate, but she tries her best. She's just brilliant!
Since Charlie's one 'mild' 13 day hospitalization for a cold, she has been healthy as a horse. I actually got sick again about a week after she was home and she managed to avoid getting it. Phew! Lately though, Matt and I have that impending doom feeling...we know Winter is coming and we know what that entails...cabin fever, hospitalizations, and close calls. Seriously just fu#king bums me right the fu#k out. AHHHHHHH!!!!!
To top it all off, and to continue being a Debby Downer, I have been having my own health problems as well lately. A few weeks ago I woke up bleeding when I wasn't supposed to be. Soon after I started getting insane cramping, which quickly became unmanageable. I tried to make Charlie's morning milk, but I couldn't stand and was nauseous and thought I would faint. I called Matt to come and watch Charlie and my friend Christie raced over to take me to the hospital (I LOVE that girl, such an amazing person!!). When they got to my house I was in too much pain to go to the hospital...just rolling around moaning like a sick walrus on my bed (in front of Charlie) waiting for the handful of meds I just took to kick in. About 20 minutes later they did and Christie was able to drag me across the street (yes, the hospital is just across the street from me) to emergency. I got checked out by a doctor (NOT a nice one at that) who ordered an ultrasound for the next day. I got the results 3 days later and was told that they found a cyst the size of a tennis ball and that they wanted to do tumour marker testing on me and a biopsy of my uterus and then set up surgery for the cyst. Awesome. All I could think about is "cancer mom takes care of terminally ill baby" I know, such positive thinking! Anyway, I realize cysts are common among women but when you've received the worst news a person/parent will EVER get in their life, sometimes your glass is half empty and you become a bit more skeptical. I remember right before Charlie was diagnosed I was googling "floppy baby syndrome" there were seriously about 2000 reasons/causes of it...I imagined every single one of them being a possibility, EVERY single one, EXCEPT this horrible one called "Werdnig Hoffman disease". "Nope, don't need to bother researching that one any further...that's way too serious, that's terminal, that's not what Charlie has, I know that for sure." But, that's what Charlie had/has. It's another name for SMA type 1. I SERIOUSLY considered 1,999 other sicknesses/diseases but not that one.
So, I've learned my lesson. Expect the unexpected.
Two days after I got my ultrasound results I was to take part in the Canuck Place Adventure Challenge. After talking to a few doctors I was told that rupture of the cyst with strenuous exercise is a possibility, and would be extremely painful if it happened. I did it anyway...sort of. I kayaked and rode my bike about 8k before I started feeling pain in my lower back and seeing black spots. I told my friends I didn't think I should go any further and they took me to the paramedics where I spent the rest of my day. I cried a lot. It was the first time I couldn't finish a race and I felt like I failed. But I know it was for the best. Through my friends, family, and my job, I still raised about 4500$ for Canuck Place, and that's the most important part.
Still, I haven't been feeling like myself. I've been tired, nauseous, losing weight, and VERY moody. 3 days ago I left a friends bday because I was feeling really awful, I came home and crawled into bed where I shivered my nauseous night away. I woke up in the morning to drag myself to Shopper's to get some Gravol and on the way back my legs just gave out and I fell out of my shoes and into traffic and sprained my ankle BAD. I immediately made a doctors appointment to nag her to figure out what's going on with me and get my ankle looked at. It was someone filling in for my doctor and she told me she thought that my body was making too much estrogen and it was making me feel sick and emotional and sent me for an x-ray because my foot now looked like Shrek's. She also said, that it would actually be in my best interest if the cyst burst "it will be extremely painful for a while, but then it will be over." Hmmm Comforting. My ankle was just sprained. I went home called Matt and told him what was happening and that I couldn't take care of Charlie like this but that I was really craving her and wanted to be with her and was scared. He invited me over and took care of both of us. At 3 am I awoke so sick, I yelled for Matt, he came in and then went to get me a barf bucket. While he was gone I went to sit on the toilet and I guess I fainted and fell face first onto the bathroom floor. I woke up with Matt calling my name asking me if i was OK and I told him to call an ambulance. I went to the ER where a nice doctor got me an appointment with an internal medicine specialist for next week. So, I'm a lot closer to knowing what the hell is going on with me now. It's so scary to worry that something will rupture or I will faint while holding my 30 pound daughter that can't take care of herself, and would quite possibly die if I dropped her because she has zero head control.
Things are a little more stressful in some areas, and a little LESS stressful in other areas right now. And that's to be expected. But, the most important thing is that Charlie is 27 months, healthy, and getting smarter and more talented everyday. I'm happy if she's happy.
To be continued...