Friday, April 13, 2012

Guilt free.

(Charlie, 33.5 months old)

Not that I'm in the position to do so, but I go back and forth on whether or not I want another child. Part of me thinks Charlie would looooove a sibling, and another part of me thinks about the time another child would steal from Charlie. Sometimes I think I NEED another so that I have a reason to carry on 'after', and another part worries a new baby would steal too much of the precious time I do have with Charlie. I think about things like how I would get around with 2 kids...we have a van with a ramp, Charlie's stroller fits in the middle of the van, newborns can't be in the front seat, where would the new baby go? Charlie needs to be within reach to be suctioned. And what about walks? How would I do that? Of course, to make this baby I'd need/have a partner, and they could help sometimes, but what about when I'm on my own, how would that work? Of course we do have nurses, so they could help out a bit I guess. Currently Charlie is waking up MANY times during the night (seriously 16 times in an 8 hr period last night, I counted!) and needs to be repositioned and scanned to figure out what the issue is...I could pretty much guarantee ZERO sleep if there was a newborn in the picture as well. No sleep ='s CRAZY! A lot to ponder, but luckily I'm not in a rush, and I believe that in the end, things will turn out the way they're supposed to.

I think I'd be starting from scratch if I did have a new baby though. If you look at the average parenting manual, I've/we've basically taken the tried/tested/and true advice and information 'they've' provided and done the exact opposite in regards to raising Charlie. We don't have specific nap times, all Charlie really eats (tastes) is sweets and yummy stuff, we put absolutely ZERO vegetable licking pressure on her. Charlie watches A LOT of movies and cartoons, definitely more than the recommended couple hours a day, her number one sense is sight and all you have to say is "Lilo and Stitch" and she'll grin from ear to ear, how could I deny her?  Most regular toys don't apply to Charlie, I was laughing on the weekend when I realized that her three favourite toys that day were a tampon, a small plastic bag, and a (needle less) syringe. Awesome, MOM OF THE YEAR right here! I'm constantly looking for light weight 'toys' that fit perfectly in Charlie's little hand to make her feel strong and proud, and often those things happen to be tampons and syringes. Haha. So, yeah it would definitely be starting all over again if I had to follow the 'rules'. I have a lot of friends who talk about being judged by others for their parenting techniques, I say, if you can tell a mother loves her children and they're safe, leave her alone because that's really all that matters.

If Charlie cries we figure out what she wants and make it happen. When Charlie cries it makes more secretions which puts her at risk for choking, so baby gets what baby wants. When it comes to flu shots and immunizations we say, "bring them on, and double dose us too!" We rely HEAVILY on these things to protect Charlie from as much as possible. Now, if she were 'normal' we'd probably investigate these things further, but at this point we'll take all the protection we can get. Just after Charlie got her 4 months shots is when we started noticing she was getting weaker. I remember thinking it was the shots, "I should have waited" I thought. I was blaming myself, I looked up everything immunization related. I also thought, "Maybe It was that glass of wine that one night before I breastfed..." Then, "Maybe it's botulism." We had recently ripped up the carpets in our new place, and apparently it can be found in dust. I'll never forget being in the hospital with Charlie for 4 days, no answers, not sleep, and googling everything it could be...what could we have done wrong? A nurse walked in and I practically grabbed her by the collar and shook her while crying and angrily questioning with her, "Why aren't you doing any tests?! Why are we here?! What's going on?!" Then I softened up my approach and desperately begged her, " I know I sound like I'm grasping for straws, but I think its botulism, we just ripped up our carpets...can you PLEEEEASE test her?! It's just a simple stool sample!" Looking back I feel sorry for that nurse. She just stood and stared, taking in my manic outburst  and said she'd look into it. Soon after the doctor came in, lowered the blinds on the room door, and told us what was really going on. My point? Parenting can be so guilt fueled. If your intentions are good, go easy on yourself.

That being said, it's so beautiful outside today that I feel guilty being indoors. I'm gonna pack my little red head up, pick up some Timbits, go find a patch of grass somewhere, and perhaps play with an inappropriate 'toy'. Sounds like a pretty nice little Friday to me.


  1. Much love to you and sweet Charlie. You are fabulous.

  2. Charlie might like a tire pressure gauge! It's a hot item around here )